Recovery Thoughts.
Recovery, and the thoughts.
As a form of recovery, I have had to practice self-forgiveness at this time in my life. Prior to the crash, I was feeling that life was working out in a beautiful way that made sense. At that time, I had removed many things that I found harmful. Some were actions, such as alcohol, another was television, others video games, also unhealthy urges. Harmful things sadly come in many forms, I understand, behaviors, thoughts, and interpretations of events can mislead.
By ridding myself of these actions, I felt healthy, happy, and whole. Sure, some days were hard, others could be simple. I practiced healthy actions and behaviors. When enacted things started to fall into place. Life felt at this time as if it were an easy street. Desires manifested, excitement was around every corner, love was in the air and stressors were not magnified. I was not walking, I was …...Skipping.
A helpful action I took on was taking a cold shower in the morning. This gave my body & mind a response that shocked my system. My body would feel alive, pain was abated, and mentality went from tired to awake. This made my day feel possible, as if achievement were implied. The cold in the morning would make me yell and breathe rapidly. Yoga along with many nature walks, improved my mindset. Add some healthy eating and it was a true blessing.
I am writing this more for myself than for anyone else. So, I can recall what it was that I did to overcome the obstacles. Positive thinking, self-talk and meditation played massive roles in this mentality. Then there was art, having an outlet for creative expression is important. It gave me the ability to communicate with more than just words, some were images, some were creations, sometimes it was how words were written and sung.
It is a sour taste to have the world flipped upside down when things are going to plan, it is even worse when the ugliness, of injustice, certain situations and actions can make you jaded. I think it healthy to have a jaded reaction in specific situations. What do you take out of such situations that you keep as lessons? Which do you throw away? I knew I could not be afraid of other drivers forever; I had a life to live, but at the same time, I cannot find fault with someone who is too scared to drive due to a comparable situation.
How does one open their heart to change into a healthier version of themselves without being taken advantage of? I know the answer is that it is different for each of us. I would say, drunk drivers make me nervous, driving at night makes me cautious. In sports and art, you can always analyze what occurred after a win or loss. A person could see where the mistake was made, how it could be improved and restructured. Being injured by a negligent driver, this is difficult to see what I could have done differently.
Often the answer is (you did it just the right way), yet I wonder what could have been adjusted. I just do not know. There are things that may have reduced the injuries sustained in the crash. Proof of certain road structures has been demonstrated to lessen the dangers of a crash. Barriers, raised medians, and structures reduce injuries sustained & fatalities.
I now have the power to implement change for a healthier way to drive and live. Therefore, I need to create changes within my environment so I can assist my fellow people. American citizens deserve safe roads. We spend so much money on things that are not as important. For a long time as the world's largest economy, travel and business makes the US economy run. A change is coming, just trying to understand where to start.
Car Crash 5.5.22 (Part 2)
Part 2 of the car wreck
When I first obtained legal counsel, I was advised not to discuss the case with anyone. However, after 316 days, I still haven't received any closure. I have requested police reports from the US Park Police, toxicology reports, and information on whether any charges have been brought against the other driver, but all I receive is that the case is still under investigation. I have been unable to get the officer's name in charge of the case. My lawyer believes that no charges may have been brought because I have not been asked for my statement, nor been called as a witness. We’ve even conducted background investigations and have not been able to obtain any information regarding the other driver.
I have been working diligently to get information on my case. I frequently contact the US Park Police, I have written my delegates, and filed FOIA’s. Unfortunately, my delegates have not been able to offer assistance, and the only two things I have are an incident report and a crash report. Only one of these reports mentions that the other driver was suspected of drunk driving or being on drugs.
This incident has required healing beyond just mind and body. I have had to focus on re-adjusting my spirit, personality, beliefs, and sense of self. With progress made in healing, I continue to work hard to recover. There have been setbacks, including crippling migraines, intense insomnia, physically limited movement due to back pain, along with PTSD, forgetfulness, and struggling with vocabulary. These impairments have classified me as disabled, thus hindering me from working and obtaining a full time role. I am working on “hardening” skills, which are required after a brain injury, and I am hopefult hat the opportunities I have applied for will come to fruition in the coming months.
I have multiple doctors as part of my care team, and each have confirmed that I am going to require multiple surgeries in my future on my spine and chest. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to pay for them. Even with stacking my auto insurance, which barely covers my medical treatments to date, there will not be enough funds for surgery.
I think often about things that could have changed the outcome of this situation. A raised median and street lighting could have prevented or lessened the impact. However, with no information from the US Park Police and no sign of a toxicology report in a suspected drunk driving case, I am left with few options to pursue action from the federal government.
I am running out of options, and I am calling on my Circle for help. It feels like a true injustice that a drunk driver can recklessly injure another and not face any reprucussion. When I was in that car and hospital, I was terrified that I would not get the chance to meet my son, Hart. I did not expect to live through the night. The feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, and powerlessness have been a lot to process. If anyone has any connections, numbers I can call, or counsel to offer, please assist. I am calling on my network for help.
I have learned a long time ago how much I hate to feel powerless in the face of injustice. As I continue my healing journey, I will count my blessings and be grateful for my loved ones. I will work hard to stay positive and pour love back into this world. I will find the connections that make this life altering event sensible.
Car Crash 5.5.22
Day that almost killed me.
Back on May 5th of last year, I had a incident that almost killed me.
Leaving a large mixed aged birthday bash that was being held in the Del Ray neighborhood of Alexandria. I was discussing with Liz the benefits of heading home with me versus driving separately, she refused saying she would head my way after picking up her car, laptop, and taking a quick shower. With her being 7 months pregnant at the time, she realized she needed some healthy self care before heading my way. While I was headed home alone going Southbound on the George Washington Parkway, around 8:30 PM the night was getting dark. With a sober mind, positive thoughts about the future, driving my Toyota Camery, my spirits were high. For I was soon to be a father, and was making fast progress on studying for a difficult IT exam. Everything was coming up roses.
Suddenly the next thing I saw was a flash of light, followed by headlights headed right towards me. With no where to divert nor time to react, I was hit on the front drivers side by another driver who crossed over the painted median on a undivided highway. After impact my mind was jarred, and felt like the old familiar feeling of a concussion. While slowly looking around I noticed my car tire was in the road, followed by the slow growing pool on my left hand. It was around this time that I started to feel the pain of the event. With sharp stabbing pain in my lower-mid back as well as sharp pain in my neck, I started to be concerned. This same time I was struggling to breathe. My chest felt as if I were bloating and expanding, with air becoming harder to inhale. It was then I knew I was in danger.
I started to muster up the strength I had to just yell help. Prior to this, I can’t recall when I last shouted for help… Lucky for me I was greeted at the right time by the right person, a man named Jared who happened to be a off duty police officer. He took charge of the situation, attending to my medical needs. He stayed and talked to me as we waited for the paramedics. Calling up Liz, and family to tell them what had occurred. In this time frame, I had heard from another driver that the Suspect was driving aggressively, fast and possibly under the influence. I recall asking about the other driver, but was told he was up and walking around like he was fine. When the fire department and ambulances arrived there was an attempt to open my door. But the door was so badly damaged it would not bulge.
With the risk of a neck injury it was quickly realized that I would need to be removed from the vehicle with the jaws of life. This is a wild experience when aware and injured. Having spent much time around large equipment and tools, I know the dangers of being too close, along with what can randomly go wrong with such powerful types of equipment. Once the door was off, I assessed that there was really something wrong. I could not feel below my knees. It was at this time things sped up.
Next thing I knew I was in a neck brace and put upon a stretcher. No time was wasted as we rushed to Inova Fairfax Hospital. In the cab it was assessed that there was no feeling in either of my arms below the elbows. With severe injuries and pain I was offered the best of morphine or ketamine, my choice. “Fuck That’, I said. I needed some sense of control while I was struggling to live, breathe and retain composure. Once in the hospital, I was wheeled into the trauma unit, waiting to see what would happen next. As it became harder to breathe, I started to shake. At times it would be uncontrollable. I fought for control through simple force of will, thank God that I had the knowledge of meditation and mindfulness. I was able to bring myself back to the present moment and access if I was truly cold or going into shock.
In those shaking moments it was dawning on me how scary my predicament was, fighting for control of my body and mind was exhausting. Each time I wanted to give into shaking and losing control. I feel that had I lost control, things could have become worse. When it started to get unbearable, a nurse appeared and started to do touch tests on my body. It was assessed by the nurse that my legs and arms were still lacking feeling; nothing had changed. The nurse said “I feel I should call it”. With no understanding of this meaning, she did call it.
“Next thing I know”. I am being pushed into a bright room, with my mind struggling to figure out what is occurring. Shit, I’m in surgery, I thought. My clothes are quickly cut off and I am as naked as the day I was born, tests are being done all over as I am having electrodes attached, needles inserted and other scans done. It was at this time, through a scan, it was realized nothing was broken and nothing was out of place. Thank God, no surgery was needed.
As I lay there in almost a full panic, I realize my blood pressure is the highest it has ever been, because I can see the monitor. Often I am around a 110-125/80 range at the doctors. While there on the table it was 219/110. The crisis was real, the surgeon told me it was normal and they would monitor it for a few minutes to ensure nothing escalated. Nothing worse happened. I would end up spending the night in the hospital, and being released the following day.
As I have been trying to recover and regain health, it was assessed that I suffered from many injuries, they were just not life threating. Those injuries are, nerve damage in my left arm, chest hernia, 6 slipped discs in my neck, 3-5 bulging discs in my spine, disc degeneration, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) which was a concussion that made it feel as if for months it was groundhog day. The recovery is still on-going, I am able to walk now, and wash myself, but some tasks and days are better than others. Pain in the spine along with insomnia, PTSD, migraines and more are ever present, just a roll of the dice to see which I may have at any moment.
I have not given up on my recovery, and I won’t. It will be a ever present reminder for me to hold onto the health I have and to improve where I can. Tomorrow I will explain the real twist of this case. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
-Brent
Thoughts and Shit…
Musings and such.
I find myself as of late thinking about success and achievement. Thoughts in my head are keeping me from seeing where I am blessed and how I am fortunate. I should state that I have been dealing with depression for some time. Today it has been more relevant than in the past. The overall funk of depression is an annoying wet blanket that it hard to take off. Some of the thoughts that have been rising up are the lack of a stable income and how that makes me feel. Others are the problems I have been having with my case involving the car crash. The car crash will be another post because it is just too long to go on about.
I am fortunate to have a happy child, a good dog, an amazing partner, a house to live in and a car to drive. But I want more, not out of greed but out of simple living. Realizing how much my back hurts today has been hard on the spirit. It keeps a dull, achy painful reminder that I have only so much time in the day to function without pain. Even with the 600mg of ibuprofen to counteract the ache, it has not even made a dent. I sit here writing this not to bitch about my life but to get the shit off my mind.
Years of therapy have shown me that journaling some of my thoughts helps me overcome my struggles in my day to day. It lessens the burden it has on my mind. As the old saying goes, “a problem written down is a problem halved”. I find when I write that I can become free in ways that words and expressions at times fall short.. My arguments become understood, and my thoughts can be shared.
I feel that some of this depression is coming from the brain injury that I suffered from in the crash. The fact I am not dead or permanently injured is shocking too me. And to be fair not just to me either, friends and family are also in awe. What makes some of this hard to process is the small margin of how easily things could have gone another way. I get mad at the other driver from time to time, and I really do not wish to hold onto this anger but at the same time there has been no punishment.
This is all for now. But my next post will be a detailed account of the car crash and the current situation that I am in. For all who read this, I wish you peace and good will.
-Brent
So it begins…
It all begins with an idea.
Hello, welcome to my blog.
Thank you for taking the time to come this far. This blog is going to be a synopsis of my stories, my thoughts, my interests and more. If any of this can help a single person in any such way it means I have fulfilled my duty as a person.
I have a belief in this life but my purpose is to help heal and grow the world into what it can truly be. My expectations are for the beauty of this world and our people and the creatures of this planet to truly shine to their greatest ability. Inside this blog you will find stories that will have a range of emotions and contexts contained within. In the future I may tell these stories via video, audio or they just might be written. I hope that whoever reads and listens to these stories can help bro the world into its most beautiful state. Blessings to you and yours past, present and future.
-Brent Petersen
2/16/2022
1/11/2023
Life as of 1/11/2023
I find myself at home writing this about my life. I’m day 4 into having Covid-19 for the first time and it has been a battle. While I have been sick with flu like symptoms many thoughts and reflections have been coming in. Thankful for having a supportive partner while I do my best to rest and recover from this illness.
Some of the thoughts I have been having are about my child and how my partner is taking such excellent care of our 6 month old. She is a incredible woman who can do anything and the love I have for her runs deep. At the same time I miss my child, I cannot hold him for 10 days according to his pediatrician. He is growing so quickly and I feel I am missing out on so much. Soon things will change for the better.
This flu like sickness that is Covid-19 hit me pretty hard. The body aches and the migraine that has accompanied it has been horrific. I am not normally a person to complain about pain but it is a annoyance that it feels a bit worse, than what I can normally handle. You see back in May 5th of 2022 I was hit head on in a car crash. I was traveling southbound on a road and someone came over the painted median and hit me going about +65mph, I was going at least 45 mph. The accident almost killed me multiple times… They had to cut me out with the jaws of life. Long story compressed, many injuries to my spine body and brain has made recovery difficult. This Covid has made me feel like I was in the crash all over again, from the constant aches and migraine.
I know I am lucky to be alive, and to be able to see my son born. Tomorrow is a new day for new achievement. Tomorrow the sun will rise and I also intend too. So I say to you, lead with love for your fellow man, and don’t drink and drive.
-Brent